I don’t Need You to Like Me . . .

I wrote this about a month ago.  Unfortunately, I needed to hear it for myself today, so I am posting it now.  Those who know me will understand.

A fresh week, a fresh day, and of course, fresh snow.  Everything today feels fresh.

I have been thinking about the many things I keep inside of me without allowing full expression.  At first I thought it was just the unspoken things, the sharp truthful stuff.  After watching multiple segments of House in a motel room one night, I realized that the reason I like House is because he is so free to be nasty.  It is juicy.  He sees peoples’ flaw and crazy patterns and he calls them out into the open.  He lacks inhibition.

I started thinking about all the ways I “bite my tongue” rather than call it out.  I was imagining what it would feel like to be uninhibited.  Would people see me as a nasty bitch, or would they would fill an auditorium the way Tony Robbins can fill an auditorium.

And then I wondered, what do I have to lose?  And why is it important for people to like me or to think that I am sweet, gentle . . . soft.  The idea intrigues me.  Be bold and brassy, call them out on their illusions.  Sometimes in the midst of a workshop that brassy me will step out, and I really like her.  She can be bold and gentle at the same time.  I see strong—not bitchy.

This conversation in my head has been going on for a while, but yesterday I started to see the other emotions or states of being that I also repress such as joy, fun, love.  I don’t express myself as much as I could.  I don’t really allow a full range of my emotional states to play out.  I flatten both the peaks and the valleys keeping them contained within an acceptable range.  The trouble is, I feel dull and, well, contained.

Who is in charge of that range?  Is it really so that people won’t think of me in a particular way?  Sounds like a 7th grader—or for me, 6th grade.

Well, guess what.  You don’t have to like me.  I don’t need your affection or approval.  I am a grown woman.  I have enough friends.  I would rather risk opening the full range of my expressive self and get out there on the edges of my life.  I want to use my voice.  I want to call them out—myself most of all.  No more retreat.

What would that look like out there in the world?  I don’t really know.  I have had my moments and I have a few models—damn few.  Mostly it is just about not worrying about nice or bitchy or too big for my britches.  Just be.  Speak.  Laugh.  Be outrageous.

I am going to practice being outrageous.  That seems to be the freeing word of the day for me.  I can start by opening the high end, the peaks, and use my body, my face, my movement.  I can create the physiology of outrageous joy and strength and then when I open my mouth, outrageous things will fly out.

As I think back, this whole contemplation began with doing an Insights Profile with Susanne at Talon.  She rolled out her little color wheel and placed me heavily in blue and green—an introvert.  I realized that extroverted behaviors were always going to require great effort and courage on my part.  It will not come naturally the way it does for other people.  That doesn’t mean I should gather together a box of moldy books and go live in a cave (although that sounds rather pleasant).  Obviously, there is some part of me that doesn’t agree with the profile.  She has a few things to say and do and she will not be so easily stopped.

So, I give the day to her.  It won’t change who I am, but it will make being me a bit more fun.

Share on Facebook

Comments

I don’t Need You to Like Me . . . — 6 Comments

  1. I love it when you fully express yourself. Always feels so clean and straight. Being pretty much auditory, straight really works for me. I hear what you say and it sounds fine!!

    See you soon!
    M.

  2. Jamie, I was born about 50 years too early to be a part of the modern “computer age”. I love to write; however, my education is lacking, my timing is lacking getting into Wyoming Writers too late; I am now 81 years old and all I have to offer the iterary world is a snatch of my childhood in Wyoming, which I try to keep light and no preaching of offering advice, etc. I’m so happy to have made some writer friends, such as Jamie and Andi Hummel, who led me with my little book into publication! I never dreamed I couild do it!!!!! The technology of the present time is beyond me! I want to go back to a telephone hanging on a hook on the wall, the ring of the bell, o the operator saying “number please?, a typewriter with a manual carriage return, carbon paper, fountain pens and lead pencils! Radios with knobs to turn, cars with stick shifts and rubber tires that have inner tubes, etc.

    Right now I am deplendent on my 18 year old neighbor boy to get my computer running, my son who lives down the street to come up and get me on line, or some other simple thing that I cannot figure out!
    But, Jamie, YOU go out and try to fix the world, that my generation seems to have ruined! I’ll have to sit at my new computer that confuses me all the time and pound out more little stories to put in ONE MORE little paper back forld to leave to my 2 daughters and 1 son as a legacy of my presence in this world, hope your generation is able to do better than we did! Love Mariyn

    • Hi Marilyn,

      Glad to hear you are still pounding out those stories. Back to a telephone hanging on a hook on the wall? How about party lines–those we can live without. Stand strong, my dear!

  3. Selena St. George: [when leaving her mother] “I’m sorry, Mother. Sometimes being a bitch is the only thing a woman has to hold onto.” One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books or movie,”Dolores Claiborne”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *