Last night I was scribbling in my notebook once again in search of what I should do when I grow up. I make these interesting loops and end up in arguments between my scholarly, scientific self and my spiritual, earth-loving sprite self. For some reason, in this moment, I saw that it really was a standoff–swords drawn—between the external me and the internal me.
Outwardly, I teach and study the brain, work with complex systems and processes, and consider myself to be straight up and on the ground. Inwardly, I seek resonance and connection with some mysterious rhythm or energy . . . the realm of the creator. This is where I write, create, and use stillness and silence to find the subtler energies in myself and others.
I keep this inner self pretty private. I’ve had a fear of being considered too new age or “woo woo” in my work with others. In fact, when I thought about it, I realized that the novels I’ve written that are most meaningful and precious to me I’ve not even brought into print. These stories all wander and play in the mystery.
I think I understand my fear. Over the years I’ve seen or heard hundreds of ego-driven, dollar driven “teachers” out there who seem to just exploit other people. They often seem parasitic and sometimes dangerous. I’ve also seen that those large egos are often a cover-up for some scared or damaged child self. It is messy. And I’ve met literally thousands of people who jump from one workshop to another in order to “heal” without ever really envisioning what they will do with all that wellness. As a result, the endless healing becomes the path.
We are not broken. Whatever the ads or the quick fix teachers tell us, we are all just on a developmental path toward some unknown end. The only thing we really can do is to increase our awareness of both our inner and outer worlds and do the best we can to choose a way forward.
I remember an old book from the early years that I think was titled, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road—Kill Him. It was all about learning to trust our inner tuning fork rather than seeking someone to tell us who we are and what we should be doing. In fact the real Buddha and sages tell us that the true answer lies within.
So, how do I resolve this conflict for myself? When I write here in this blog I think it is apparent by any of my posts that I am letting you into my secret garden. I talk about flow and resonance and constellation work and the beauty and allure of the other realms. I get personal. But when I am writing I’m alone and linked to my inner self. Out there when I am hired to work with organizations—I feel stifled and convince myself that I mustn’t stray from the tried and true path of science and strategy. Even in my Life by Design retreats I’m sometime too-focused on the brain and not speaking to the spirit of the people who come to spend the day with me.
I feel the need to align myself with the part of me that seeks wisdom and nourishment from the subtler realms. In this space reflection, writing, and stillness are all an important part of learning to read these quiet rhythms and energy.
The spirit is alive. It wants to be heard. It wants a greater say in the path we choose. It wants us to be better listeners. It wants us to seek stillness and respond to subtle cues. It grows weary and sad that it is constantly pushed to the side while we supposedly seek wellness—or security. The spirit IS wellness. That is really what I want to be teaching.
And yes, we do have some faulty wiring that needs to be repaired and cleaned up. I won’t give up that part of my work, but we only fix the wiring so we can connect more directly to the spirit and find meaning and purpose in all that we do.
This afternoon I had a nice conversation with Helena, an old friend from our early constellation training days. We have both done constellation work and grown older and grown into the work in very deep ways. She is (and has always had) a great spirit. We both agreed that just taking a path of personal growth is not enough. We need to be more active and engaged out here in the world—doing more and being more. That is my goal when I teach Life by Design—is to grow a stronger core so that we can get mouthier and more active out here without fear of rejection or falling into the dark pool of self-doubt.
So, I personally will work to bring these two brilliant parts of myself into the same room more often and not pick and choose which one to let out at any moment in time. And if people think I am too new agey and woo woo, well, so what. My life is too short to let myself be defined by others.
Do you have two brilliant parts of yourself who are warring it out? I’m interested.
And more true confessions to come. In my next post I will tell you some stories about woo. Please share this with others if it feels right. Also, I hope I don’t get spam slammed from my weird title:)
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