The power is out in the area and a wet snow is falling steadily. It is actually nice to have a bit of the winter feeling after so much nice weather. It is making me feel cozy and tucked in. We have all become so technology dependent that I almost don’t know what to do if I can’t access the internet. So, I thought, why not write a blog post before my computer battery dies. And if my computer battery dies, I could always find a pen and a piece of paper.
Life has been moving so fast lately. I feel like my priorities and personal goals are moving around like dragonflies in the summer sky. All my ideas are so pretty and engaging that I’m content to just watch them fly around for a bit. It’s entertaining.
We just got back from a week in Rapid City where I did two more workshops, one Life by Design and a constellation day. The more I study the brain, the more fascinated I am with the way we fire and wire our lives together. The Life by Design day was a learning day. Sometimes when I am teaching, I get so stepped out that I feel like I am both teacher and student at the same time—standing at the front of the room and sitting in the front row simultaneously. A couple of things stood out for me. One is that any new behavior or pattern that we want to introduce can only be done slowly and over time with careful practice, making some mistakes, learning a bit more. And most of our efforts to correct or change an old pattern are pretty useless—better to just step away and choose the new learning path. The image I had was of two lamps. One lamp is dim and not working well—it doesn’t shed the kind of light I want and the wiring is old and frayed. A second lamp is sitting just off on another table nearby. It is new and has never been turned on. Do I spend my time trying to fix the old dead lamp or should I turn on the new one? Seems like a simple answer.
The other learning that I took away from listening to my own blah, blah, blah through the day was that it is the learning itself that we like. Human brains just plain like to engage in new and interesting things. We are like babies with a rattle or colorful teething ring. We reach out and grab and pull it to us and experiment like our lives depended upon it. And they do. It is fine to have a bright shiny goal out there on the horizon as long as we understand that it is all the trial and error and the doing that is the fun part. Achieving the goal is almost anticlimactic.
On a personal level, Milt and I are reading a good book called Letting Go by David Hawkins that our friend Peg gave Milt for his birthday. What I’m liking about this book is that without talking brain science at all, he is targeting some of the deepest patterns that affect how we live our lives. He says that thoughts grow out of a single feeling and if you let go of the feeling, the thoughts will just dissipate. It made me think of the old thoughts I have about not being good enough or working hard enough. I realized that I hold sometimes a deep feeling of shame about whether I am doing enough or doing my part. This feeling is ancient—probably rooted in some early original sin nonsense that was pounded into me when I was very young. Just to practice this letting go and surrendering technique, I imagined a very, very young me—kind of chubby cheeks with white-blond curls and a wide-eyed look on my face. I tried to think “ugly” thoughts about her and saw only innocence. This little beauty was not guilty of anything. She reminds me of my little granddaughter Kendall. Kendall can be tired, ornery, falling apart and in tears and I see only innocence and beauty. What is not to love about her?
I don’t know how to surrender deep feelings like shame and unworthiness, so I just made it up. I saw these dark pockets of shame and not being good enough just gently explode like fireworks into the air. It felt good. I felt lighter. I’m continuing to practice this so that the real me can just emerge and grow into her full strength.
This was the other learning I took from the two days of workshops—that everybody is just trying to find their higher self, the part of them that is untouched by experience, fear, anger, worry. The poets and sages have been saying it for thousands of years—go within. God lives within you as you.
A final note. Milt and I have contracted a serious case of spring fever. We are (mentally) moving dirt, building ceremonial kivas & geodesic domes and planning a Builders and Makers Festival for July. Be still my beating heart.
In current reality—two guys are outside right now trying to unfreeze our frozen septic system. Alas.
I hope that all is well with all of you. Let me know what you are doing to step toward that higher self that exists within you. Please do share this post if you liked it. I’m going to be more present here and want to stretch out. (P.S.–drawing stick figures is my new hobby:))