We give too much to fear. Far, far too much. All around us we are inundated with messages that we should fear the food we eat, the air we breathe, the earth we walk on, and the uncertain dollars we put in the bank. I have had it with fear. One day I will drop out of this life and go on to whatever is next-and I don’t want to do that knowing that I did not make the most out of each and every moment. I want to have fun. I want my time back. I want to write a new book, grow a garden on some unturned piece of earth, and build the little house of straw we have dreamed about for years. And smile. I want to laugh and smile a lot.
A question for you: what would you be doing if you weren’t afraid? What would you be doing if you didn’t talk yourself out of it time and time again? What would you be doing if you took some of the dollars (or time) you spent trying to conquer fear and just did what you wanted to do? The other day I picked up another free book at the OLC library and it was on Mother Theresa’s life. Did you know that she had a “darkness” that followed her every step of her life? She felt like God did not love her or had abandoned her. At some point in her life she realized that this darkness was part of her lightness and that one was necessary for the other to exist. I think this is true for all of us. We need our fear and doubt-they fuel the dreams and desires, the higher reach. Am I afraid? Yes. Is that fear stopping me? Not this time.
Several years ago I wrote a novel about a woman who deconstructs her life and takes a new path. I feel a little bit like my character now. Oddly, in that novel, she ends up with a great man in a house he has built entirely from recycled stuff. I should write more novels.
This was the beginning of an earlier post from two years ago before we had built our house. Now we are living in it. I have turned that earth, planted that garden, learned to smile a lot. We even have ten chickens and a goose working on our tick problem. The goose follows me around like a puppy. He keeps me company.
When I traded a city lot for ten acres, I had no idea what I was doing. Now, I just want to do dawn to dusk every day playing outside. I can hardly bring myself to open a computer, write a post, edit one of those novels I have stacked up in my computer. But, what the heck–I am in love with this moment, this life, this day. What more can I ask for? Don’t be surprised if my entries here get a bit sketchy for the next six months. I’m having too much fun, and I have kicked fear in the butt.
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